Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Worry...

My entire life I have been plagued with worry.
I have worried about big things and small things and everything in between.
Sometimes I worry just to worry.
I can remember growing up and worrying that my parents were going to get divorced. The sad and funny part of it was that my parents never fought. It was just that all of my friends had parents who were divorced and I saw how unhappy they were. I was just sure that it was going to happen to our family too.
At one point in elementary school, I had so many stomach aches that I had to take this horrible green medicine before and after I ate - if I didn't want to puke. I knew the nurse at school better than some of my teachers. I worried, and worried, and worried. At camp, I would cry and cry and just want to go home the whole time. I worried so much that I never enjoyed the moment that I was in.
After college, the worrying stopped.
OK, that is not 100% true.
But the excessive worrying stopped.
I still worried about situations that I had either created or gotten myself into but the obsessive worry about things that were not "real" stopped. I traveled for my job and would be by myself in strange cities for weeks at a time. And, I loved every minute of it. (Well, maybe not the 16 - 22 hour drives in the car - alone.)
As I started to have kids, I worried that I would worry too much.
Now, I do worry about some things - like RSV and preemie twins... or if my Noah boy gets enough attention now that I am stretched between 3. But, I don't worry about the things I thought I would. I have found that my worry about the "unknown" has changed into the worry of my own attributes as a mom.
Am I doing enough?
Did I yell to much today?
Do I feed my kid the right balance of good and fun?
I find myself worried about what others will think.
This is NOT a good thing - it is vain and a total waste of energy.
It is not of the Lord and it is not what the Lord wants me to do with my life.
And then a friend of mine started really launching her company (http://www.bellainspired.com/) and needed to get some materials ready for a really exciting fund raiser that she has been asked to do! (So exciting.) We were talking about how fun and scary it is and I asked her if she was worried. She admitted that it was a little scary - so I went to the Word to offer her some comfort AND that is when the Lord opened my eyes to my own struggles the past few months... He led me to Matthew 6 - the end of the sermon on the Mount... It was the last verse that just STRUCK me... (Thanks Mel and Kristen for direction too!)
"Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:34) After laughing to myself about slight sarcasm in the Bible (that last sentence is so in your face to the point) I realized that I was about to pass along something that I was not doing in my own life.

When I worry about tomorrow ~
what could happen ~
what may happen ~
could it be good ~
could it be bad...
I stop living in the here and now.
I stop living in God's moment and start living in my own.
If I am so focused on what may happen I am not seeking what I can be doing right now for the Kingdom of Christ. To live for Christ means that worrying has to stop. I can not be the vessel He intended me to be if I am doubting His plan constantly.
That's what worry is isn't it? When I worry about what may happen - I am mistrusting His word - when he says that "All things work toward the Glory of God". This doesn't mean that it won't be hard at times or that I will like all things that happen in my life. But I can not worry about them. I need to allow Him to lead me down the paths that I need to follow for His glory and for my own spiritual growth.
So, whether you have kids or not, single babies or multiple babies, married or single, work outside the home or inside your home, are basking in the glory of a new life or struggling with a death- that last sentence of the scripture is SO true... each day has enough trouble of its own... why in the world would we want to add to what is already coming our way?

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1 comment:

Jessa said...

Crying AGAIN. You are awesome.